Special Deliveries: Her Nine-Month Secret

‘I’m not saying that we talk about computers. I’m saying that you never mention the people you work with. What are they like? Are they fun? I bet the girls in your department are all in love with you…’ She laughed but a part of her wondered whether that was really the case. He was so stunning, so charismatic; how could anyone not fall in love with him?

‘Are you fishing for compliments?’ The table between them wasn’t a good idea. He needed to be able to touch her. He stood up and pulled a chair towards her so that he could sift his fingers through her long hair. ‘You are the only woman on my mind. I wouldn’t be able to describe any of the women I see at work, in the street or anywhere else, for that matter.’ Nor had he been tempted, once, to stray. Fidelity had never had such a hold over him.

‘I think of you all the time.’ He gently removed the glass from her hand so that he could tug her towards him and kiss her very gently on her mouth, taking his time. She didn’t protest when he undid those wretched buttons, this time not caring whether they ripped or not. This, he thought, was more like it.

Think of me in terms of what? Holly wondered. As the woman he enjoyed having sex with? Or as the woman he saw sharing his life with for ever? And, if he thought of sharing his life with her for ever, then how was it that the future had never been a subject for discussion?

‘There’s no need to feel insecure on that front,’ Luiz said huskily. He was getting more aroused by the second. How could she think, even for a minute, that he might look at other women when his responses to her were always so shamefully, glaringly obvious? He pushed her back into the chair and pulled down the top of the dress to look with unashamed, possessive satisfaction at breasts that were flushed from his caresses.

‘I don’t,’ Holly said abruptly. Where was this edgy dissatisfaction coming from? She stood up, roughly buttoned the dress back up and ignored the throbbing between her legs that begged for his fingers, his mouth, the steel-hard length of his erection. ‘I know you find me attractive…’

‘More than attractive!’ He narrowed his eyes on her back. She had turned away from him to begin the process of setting the food out. He wanted to know what she was thinking, although there was a part of him that was getting powerful vibes of discontent. That said, he was certain that he could smooth away all that discontent if only she would allow him. ‘You shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble.’ He stood up, walked towards her and noted her infinitesimal shift away from him. ‘Let me help.’

‘You can light the candles on the table.’ She thought of the crudités shrivelling on the patio outside and the conversation which had yet to get going. At least, get going in the way she had hopefully predicted.

Food on the table, she sat down with lowered eyes. ‘I guess what I’m saying is that we’ve been an item for well over a year now and I… I think I should be as involved in your life as you are in mine…’

‘Are you dissatisfied with the way I treat you?’

‘No, of course I’m not, and that’s not what I’m saying. You’ve met all the people who work with me and most of my friends as well. A few weeks ago, I had a party here and invited them all. I haven’t met any of yours.’ Her hand trembled as she helped herself to some of the casserole which she had spent hours getting just right but which now tasted of cardboard. The candles should have infused the room with a soft, romantic glow. Unfortunately, she felt anything but romantic.

‘Everything you’re saying points to the fact that you don’t think I’m treating you right, whatever you say to the contrary!’ Luiz glowered at her down-bent head. Was she determined to wreck the evening? he wondered. ‘And yet,’ he carried on with remorseless logic, ‘Can I remind you that when you developed a food bug after that party I took three days off so that I could stay here and look after you?’

‘And I’m really grateful that you did.’ The bug had cleared itself out of her system after twenty-four hours and the rest of the time, she wanted to remind him, they had pretty much spent in bed, making love and leaving the running of the sanctuary to Andy and the other helpers. Luiz had had no qualms in announcing her bout of ill health to them and declaring that she would be off work for at least three days.

‘And I would do it again!’ he stated with an elaborately dismissive gesture designed to imply that he was the sort of big-hearted fellow capable of rising to any occasion. ‘Proof enough of your importance in my life. Believe me when I tell you that mopping a woman’s brow isn’t something I’ve ever made a habit of!’

Holly allowed herself to relax a little because hearing that was reassuring. ‘It’s nice to hear that I’m important to you,’ she said softly. ‘I know you don’t like talking about feelings… I guess a lot of men don’t… so it really means a lot for you to say that. Because you’re really important to me, Luiz.’ She looked across at him with joyous, gleaming eyes. ‘The past year and a half has been amazing. I suppose I’m beginning to wonder what the next step is.’

‘The next step…?’ Luiz felt that his brain was suddenly no longer functioning at its optimum level. His keen mental abilities seemed to have all the agility of a tortoise trudging through treacle.

‘The sanctuary runs so well now that, for the first time in ages, I feel I can actually take time off without worrying that something awful might happen in my absence. The accounts are overflowing; there are always animals being rescued, but there’s also a long list of people waiting to adopt. I’d really like to see where you live, Luiz, see where you work, meet your friends and maybe… maybe even meet your family. You’ve told me so much about them, your sisters, your mum… I’d love to see where they live, and for the first time I really think I could take the time off.’

Her smile was beginning to fade at his lack of response. He looked, frankly, shell-shocked. Was she coming on too strong? She knew about his family, their personalities, but she didn’t know the details of their lives. Were they poor? He had once told her that there was a great deal of poverty in Brazil. Did he think that she would mind?

‘I mean,’ she said hurriedly, back-tracking, ‘We don’t have to just yet. Brazil is an awfully long way away. But I could come down to London… meet some of your friends. I promise not to glaze over if they only want to talk about computers.’

Her voice faltered. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why did he look as though he had been bludgeoned with a sledgehammer? Didn’t he realise that this was the normal progression of a relationship? Of course she knew that, after Clarissa, he had not had any meaningful relationships—in fact, from the sounds of it, he had been something of a womanizer—but they had been going out now for well over a year. Surely he must realise that they just couldn’t keep drifting? She wasn’t getting any younger. Many of her friends were now married; several had started families. Recently, one of the last of her unmarried pals had announced her engagement.

‘I just need to know where we’re heading,’ she said, clearing her throat. ‘I just need a sign of commitment.’

CHAPTER THREE

OF COURSE IT was eventually going to come to this. Luiz could scarcely believe that they had arrived at this crossroads without him having foreseen the eventuality and taken the necessary precautions. He had never had any intention of indulging in a long-term relationship. He didn’t do long-term relationships. But it was all too easy to see now how he had grown lazy after that first, momentous fabrication when he had played fast and loose with the truth of his identity. Without the need to defend himself against a possible gold-digger, he had drifted along and taken what was there for his own enjoyment.

Now her clear blue eyes were anxiously scrutinising his face, waiting for him to say something.

‘Why?’ Restless energy was pouring through him in disturbing waves and he raked his fingers through his dark hair, his mind travelling down all the angles the conversation could take and crashing into dead ends at each one of them.

‘What do you mean why?’ Holly asked, bewildered because as far as she was concerned she had raised a perfectly reasonable point. ‘We’ve been going out for quite a while. I think I deserve to know where this is heading.’ She wished he would stop pacing the room. The giddiness was back, accompanied now by slight feelings of nausea.

‘Why does it have to head anywhere?’ He paused to stand in front of her. ‘What we have is good. No, it’s better than good—it’s damn near perfect. Why ruin it with questions about commitment? Why try and box it in and give it a time limit? Who knows what’s around the corner?’

‘I know that,’ Holly persevered. ‘I know there are no guarantees, I know that no one knows what’s round the corner. But that doesn’t mean that I want to continue living in the moment with no thought of the future! I want to know how this is going to progress and I don’t think I’m being unfair, you know, having this conversation with you. Have I told you that Claire is engaged? Remember Claire—the one with the red hair and the gap between her teeth? You met her at the party…’

‘Yes, I remember her.’ Loud, extrovert, with a boyfriend who had trailed timidly behind her, fetching drinks and nibbles and making no effort to restrain his girlfriend. Thinking about it, she now struck Luiz as just the sort of subversive woman who would goad Holly into any manner of rebellious thoughts. ‘Has she been telling you things? Implying that you can’t be happy because there’s no diamond ring on your finger? I’m surprised and disappointed that you would allow someone to dictate to you how you should or shouldn’t feel!’

‘Claire hasn’t said anything of the sort to me!’ Two bright patches of colour had appeared on her cheeks. One simple question; she had just asked him to clarify where they were going as a couple and he couldn’t even bring himself to answer the question directly. Instead, he was happy to imply that she was so stupid and so impressionable that someone else could tell her how she should be feeling!

‘Because your friend is engaged doesn’t mean that you should be, too.’

‘I’m not talking about getting engaged…’ Although, wasn’t it true that ever since their relationship had started she had only seen a future with Luiz in it? She had never daydreamed about a great diamond rock on her finger. But when she thought about the winter coming, and the one after that and the one after that, she had a vision of Luiz right there by her side, helping out as he always did. In her mind, her future was inexorably wrapped up with his and she knew that she had been guilty of assuming that he felt the same way, even if he didn’t exactly vocalise it.

‘Are you happy with me?’ Luiz demanded.

‘Of course I am!’

‘Then what’s the problem?’ He felt like someone swimming upstream against a very strong current and he didn’t care for the sensation. He liked to be in control. It occurred to him that he had distinctly lacked control when he had allowed this relationship to meander through the weeks and months. He had been instantly attracted to her when she had rescued him after his car crash. He had certainly planned on getting her into bed. He had never played with the possibility that a little time out—a few days of harmless pretence, of letting go of the persona he was compelled to be on a daily basis and all the stresses that came with it—would end up lasting over a year.

The thing to do would be to start thinking clearly and regaining some of that lost control. The obvious solution would be to walk away. He certainly had no intention of encouraging anyone to start thinking in terms of diamond rings, churches and flower girls, however good the sex as between them. No way.

He especially would not be going down that route with a woman who was, frankly, as poor as a church mouse. She might be disingenuous charm itself as long as she believed him to be little more than another one of life’s hard workers who saved up to pay the mortgage and grab an annual holiday somewhere cheap and cheerful. But how different would she have been had she known the extent of his wealth? He had been conned once and he had vowed never to allow that situation to happen again.

Step one in the preventative stakes was to ensure that any lifetime partner—and there certainly wouldn’t be one on the horizon in the foreseeable future—would be able to match his wealth. He would only ever marry a woman who didn’t have anything to gain in the financial stakes by marrying him.

Holly George was just not suitable. She had raised an issue and the only way to deal with it would be to dispose of her. It sounded heartless, but in the end he would be doing her a favour. If the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was marriage, then she wasn’t going to get the pot of gold from him, and it was kinder to let her go now. When it came to handling the reins of a relationship, any relationship, he was the one in control.

Holly turned away and began walking towards the sitting room. Her heart was beating very fast. She just couldn’t believe that this conversation was taking place. She had been so secure in their relationship. Had love blinded her to the very real possibility that what he felt for her was nothing more than lust? She couldn’t credit that! Lust became eroded over time, lost its urgency… What they had had just got better and better, deeper and deeper, at least as far as she was concerned…

Luiz watched her leave the kitchen and he wanted to throw things, or at the very least haul her back into his arms and make love to her until her questions had been put to rest. He had become accustomed to her smiling, upbeat, eternally optimistic nature. He was used to her glorious, uninhibited chatter. He luxuriated in the company of someone who didn’t feel as though she ought to be impressing him. Now, he felt like a monster responsible for draining all the sunshine and light out of her. He had to remind himself that there was nothing he could do to alter the situation and to offer her anything beyond his remit would be to make matters worse in the long run.

‘So what are you telling me?’ Holly was standing by the bay window, arms folded, every inch of her body radiating tension. ‘Are you telling me that what we have isn’t going anywhere? Is never going to go anywhere? Because if that’s the case then I don’t see any point to us carrying on. I don’t want to be in a relationship where we just drift along until one of us gets bored and decides to call it a day.’

She could hardly breathe. Her chest felt tight. How could he just stand there, looking at her with an inscrutable expression, not saying anything? A treacherous little voice whispered that perhaps she should have left well alone and not said anything, but as soon as the thought flitted through her head Holly knew that she had had to say what was on her mind. She had been feeling strangely emotional over the past few weeks. Holding things in would only exacerbate those heightened emotions.

‘Why won’t you talk to me, Luiz?’ Her eyes brimmed and she chewed her lip in anguish.

‘Because you’re getting hysterical and you’re not saying anything I want to hear.’

‘I am not getting hysterical! I’m just asking you to tell me how you feel about a future for us.’

‘I don’t think in terms of future when it comes to my relationships.’

‘Because of Clarissa? Is that why?’ Holly knew that she was clinging to this as the get-out clause for him. She could deal with him having been hurt in the past and therefore reluctant to commit in the present. That was a situation they could address, one that could be changed. No one could surely allow a past hurt to rule their life for ever? What she found much more difficult to deal with was a blanket refusal to enter the discussion.

Luiz looked at her with veiled eyes. ‘Let’s not drag history into this, Holly.’

‘But you don’t understand! I would never let you down! You’ve never told me what happened between the two of you. Maybe if you just opened up on the subject we could work our way through this.’

‘I’m not in the mood for psychobabble.’

‘So what are you in the mood for, Luiz?’

‘I wouldn’t say no to sliding between the sheets with you…’

‘Why does it always have to be about sex?’

‘Since when is it always about sex with us?’ It was all he wanted from the relationship and yet he was outraged that she should diminish what they enjoyed.

‘Well, then, if it’s not all about the sex with you, then what else is it about?’

Luiz stared at her, speechlessly aware that she had managed to box him in. Since when did any woman think that she had the right to challenge his decisions, ask for clarifications or demand explanations for his behaviour? And yet, he had been with her for an extraordinarily long time. At least, extraordinarily long as far as he was concerned. Little by little, he realised that she had made inroads into his levels of tolerance. Somewhere along the line, they had stretched and expanded to accommodate her forthright honesty. That was what now gave her the freedom to stand there, glaring, waiting for him to answer her.

Taking advantage of his temporary silence, Holly thought it a good idea to carry on making her point. There was a certain desperation blossoming inside her but she felt as though if she didn’t push as hard as she could beyond that stubborn, autocratic, all-knowing veneer, she would forever rue her hesitation.

‘I’m crazy about you. You know that. And if you haven’t said so to me in so many words, then… then, you must feel… If it’s not just about sex, you must feel…’

In the face of his continuing grim silence, she could feel the confidence leaking out of her. In its place, desperation was giving way to the numbing realisation that perhaps he didn’t feel anything for her, or perhaps what he did feel for her just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to form a basis for a healthy ongoing relationship where holidays were planned and children were discussed and growing old together was a possibility. If all those things had been on the cards, she thought with a sickening jolt, then wouldn’t he have suggested her going to Brazil to meet his family? She would have asked him to meet hers ages ago! Had they really been operating on two different planes? Had she been so blind that she hadn’t been able to see that what she really wanted was different from what was actually there and, in fact, was leagues apart from what he wanted?

Luiz watched as she stammered her way into silence. ‘I enjoy your company, Holly, and I care about you.’

‘You care about me…’ Her voice was low and dull. She adored him to distraction and would cheerfully have walked on a bed of burning coals for him. He, on the other hand, cared about her. Caring wouldn’t go the distance when it came to the bed of burning coals and it wouldn’t go the distance when it came to planning for a future.

‘Don’t knock it.’ He read the disappointment on her face but there was no way that he was going to be drawn into offering any more on the subject of how he felt. He could have told her that she turned him on more than any woman ever had, that she had certainly held his attention longer than any woman ever had, but he had a feeling that those sentiments would not have met with an enthusiastic reception.

‘I’m not knocking it.’ She stumbled over to the sofa, the same sofa where they had made love only a short while ago, and subsided heavily on it. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.

‘Why don’t we go outside?’ Luiz suggested. Looking at her, he felt uncomfortable in his own skin. ‘You told me on the phone that you’d discovered a new walk.’ She enjoyed the great outdoors. A little bit of fresh air might calm her frayed nerves. He found himself giving her a last chance to climb back from her inappropriate meltdown and he was half-angry at his leniency.

‘I’m not really in the mood to go walking.’ Her voice was barely audible.

‘Well, sitting there sulking isn’t going to solve anything.’

‘I thought I meant more to you.’

Luiz sighed and joined her on the sofa. He had to restrain himself from touching her. It was something he badly wanted to do. ‘I could tell you that you mean a lot to me, but the follow-on isn’t that we’re going to get engaged like your friend. The next chapter in our story isn’t going to be marriage. I’m very sorry, Holly, but the next chapter in our story is never going to be marriage.’

‘I’m not talking about marriage.’

‘Of course you are.’ He had deliberately blinded himself to the fact that she was a romantic. She might work hard in the sanctuary, as hard as any man would in similar circumstances, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t like the picnics in summer, or get teary-eyed during sentimental movies, or lose herself in ridiculous love stories. Now, he thought with regret, was the time to be brutal.

‘You could never tolerate anything less than full commitment and that will not be happening, at least not with me. I should have made myself clearer on the subject from the beginning. I didn’t and I am to blame for that.’ He wished she would make eye contact but she was staring straight ahead and her body was as stiff as a plank of wood. ‘Trust me when I tell you that you’re better off without me,’ Luiz said truthfully, and she looked at him with incredulity.

‘How can you say that? That’s the sort of thing men say when they can’t face having an honest conversation—you’re better off without me, I need a little space. That’s what men say when they’re about to walk out and they’re clearing it with their conscience. I’ve read hundreds of articles on that subject!’

Luiz fought against smiling. She loved reading self-help books and anything to do with emotions and psychology. She had a tendency to answer any quiz in any magazine. Occasionally she had forced him into taking part and then analysed his answers so that she could inform him of the person he was. There was no getting away from the fact that he would miss things like that.

‘There are things about me you don’t know, Holly.’ Luiz hadn’t really considered the possibility of coming clean with her. What would be the point when it wouldn’t change anything? But he now felt that he owed it to her. There was no moral integrity in exiting this relationship in a welter of half-truths. If he did that, he knew that he would, one day, regret the omissions.

‘All that business with your ex… I know it’s not my fault that you won’t discuss any of it with me…’ He must have really loved her, Holly was thinking glumly. She had taken the best of him and had made sure that he would have nothing left to give another woman.

‘Partly.’

Holly barely took that in. She was busily thinking about the bottle of wine growing warmer and warmer outside, along with the shrivelled crudités and the dried-up cheese savouries, all part of her plan to coax him into something he was incapable of giving her. In her mind, she was trying to imagine what life was going to be like if this turned out to be the last time she saw him and she couldn’t get her head round that. She wanted to fling herself at him and tell him that she loved him enough for the two of them.

‘I want you to look at me.’

‘What for? What difference does it make?’ But she shifted until she was facing him and he was so close to her that she could just reach out and run her fingers through his dark hair.

‘Prepare to be shocked. Clarissa wasn’t, as you seem to imagine, the love of my life.’

‘She wasn’t?’ Holly’s heart lifted. ‘I thought you didn’t want to talk about her because you were still in love with her and the memory hurt too much.’

‘I don’t talk about her because she turned out to be a lying, scheming bitch.’

‘Oh.’ Holly was now fully invested in whatever Luiz had to say. In fact, she had completely forgotten her woeful projections of life without him in it. Whatever he had to say to her, she knew that the an unforgettable ex was one difficulty removed from the equation and that could only be a good thing. ‘What do you mean?’ She couldn’t resist extending her hand and running it gently along his arm. She could feel bunched muscle and it sent a pleasurable shiver through her.

‘You might not want to do that…’ Luiz’s jaw tensed and he vaulted upright. The effect of her soft hand on his arm was as dramatic as a white-hot branding iron. He put some distance between them, moving to sit on a chair.

‘Do what?’

‘Touch me. You touch me and I can’t help but touch you back.’

‘You have my permission.’ Holly thought that he might not want to promise her anything beyond today, but she still had a huge amount of power over him. Couldn’t she use that power to make small inroads into that tough fortress he insisted on building around himself to protect his emotions? Maybe it wasn’t the ‘all or nothing’ scenario she had painted. Life wasn’t black and white. It was always full of grey areas…

‘You wanted to talk. We’ll talk.’

‘We can talk and touch at the same time.’

Luiz stifled a groan. His fabled and formidable self-control, on which his empire was built and which had always stood him in good stead when it came to women, was missing in action. But wasn’t it always when it came to Holly? With her, he had never had to use it and lack of use had made it rusty. Her invitation to touch was almost more than he could bear.

‘Fifteen minutes ago you were going to chuck me out because I wasn’t going to propose,’ he said grittily. Holly smiled sheepishly at him and reddened.

‘I was emotional. I’ve been a little emotional recently. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because all my friends seem to be settling down. Maybe I feel like time is racing by. It all seemed to build up inside me. You were… um… telling me about Clarissa…’

Luiz cursed himself for being tempted to accept her explanation and run with it. The promise of the status quo being re-established dangled in front of him, as tantalising as a banquet to a starving man. No more talk of commitment. Back to him having her here, the one window in his life where there was no stress…

He savagely culled the alluring image before it could truly take hold and make him lose sight of the fact that this was not a situation destined to go away. Holly might be prepared to back away from the gauntlet she had foolishly laid down, but the gauntlet would still be there and it would only be a question of time before the inevitable happened. But, hell, she sat there on the couch with her fair hair spilling all over the place and her big blue eyes staring at him, her mouth half-open, as though on the brink of voicing a thought… He had to grit his teeth and push ahead.

‘Clarissa thought that I could be her ticket to the good life.’ He dragged his eyes away from the soft fullness of her lips which mirrored the exquisite abundance of her breasts. Just thinking about touching them again was enough to make him lose focus. On top of all the reasons why this relationship was a poor idea, he ruthlessly added ‘unacceptable loss of self-control’ to the list.

‘It’s understandable,’ Holly conceded reluctantly. ‘I guess that doesn’t make her much different from me…’

‘You’re not understanding.’ He stood up, raked his fingers through his hair and sat back down. Every nuance of expression and every slight movement of his body spoke tellingly of a level of awkward restlessness which was completely alien to the Luiz Gomez Holly knew and loved. While a part of her wanted to jump to her feet, hold him tight and apologise for ever mentioning anything, another part of her was already uneasily accepting that she had started something from which there was no retreat.

Luiz prowled the room before settling for a spot by the bay window and leaning against it.

The fading sun poured through the glass behind him and threw him into shadow. Now, she couldn’t see the expression on his face at all.

‘Clarissa saw me as a passport to the sort of lifestyle she could only dream of.’ He could tell from her silence that she was confused, didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. ‘She wanted me for my money, Holly, and she would have done everything within her power to get what she wanted, including faking a pregnancy.’

‘I’m not following you. What money? What are you talking about?’ Holly felt as though she had stepped into a parallel universe, one in which everything looked the same, sounded the same, but was somehow completely different, altered and reconfigured into the unrecognisable. The Luiz talking to her in that flat, impersonal voice wasn’t her Luiz. She sensed that on a subconscious level and it made her pulses race with sudden, gripping apprehension.

‘Tell me who you think I am.’

‘You’re Luiz Gomez. You work as a salesman. Computers… Why would anyone think that you could be a passport to… to…? How much do salesmen get paid, for goodness’ sake?’

‘My name isn’t Luiz Gomez.’

‘I’m sorry?’ Holly could only stare. She half-stood up, mouth agape, wondering if she had heard correctly. ‘If you’re not Luiz Gomez, then who the heck are you?’

‘Sit down, Holly!’ He barely had time to make it across the room and catch her before she hit the ground.

Holly came to quickly, but it took her a few seconds to reorient and when she did his words came rushing back at her in a poisonous flood that threatened to make her black out again. She squirmed away from him, eyes wide with horror and incomprehension.

‘What are you talking about? Don’t come near me! Who are you?’