Play It Again, Sahm

Praise for

Meredith Efken

@HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

“[Efken] offers a balanced and loving take on gender roles, faith and child-rearing. Both stay-at-home and working Christian moms will recognize their struggles here, and feel the novel’s lighthearted humor lessening their load.”

—Publishers Weekly

SAHM I AM

“Can a novel consisting entirely of e-mails be enjoyable faith fiction? Efken’s charming, light debut offers a resounding and surprising yes. Efken keeps the mood light, although she’s not afraid to tackle serious topics such as infertility, marital difficulties and chronic illness. Christian readers will savor this fresh entrée.”

—Publishers Weekly

“Written in the tradition of Erma Bombeck, this fine first novel is recommended.”

—Library Journal

“SAHM I AM is hysterically funny and I lost count of how many times I laughed out loud. I loved the cast of quirky characters and I could hardly turn the pages fast enough. Erma Bombeck was a funny lady, but Meredith Efken is even funnier.”

—Christy Award-winning author Randall Ingermanson

Play It Again, Sahm
Meredith Efken

www.millsandboon.co.uk

MILLS & BOON

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To my mom and dad, Judi and Mike, for filling my childhood with love, my soul with laughter, and my shelves with good books.

And for all the readers who asked me so sweetly for another SAHM story—this one I wrote for you.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Collecting inspiration for my SAHM stories has always been something of an accidental treasure hunt. I never know when I’ll stumble across the next gem. I’m very thankful to the following people whose crazy behavior, odd mistakes and other personal quirks have proven so useful to my story. (Because yes, it really is all about me!)

For Tosca Lee, the queen of text messaging. Thanks to you, my cell phone company has increased their profits because I had to get a new service to accommodate all our messages to each other. You’ve trained me well, and now I’m working on getting my husband hooked, too.

Thanks to Scott Ross for his brilliant discovery that glass stove tops can be broken with a pan. His wife may not have appreciated it, but I found it was most instructive and inspiring.

Thanks to my friend Richard Vasey, the original Tiara Man, for showing me how cute a dad can look when his daughter dresses him like a fairy princess.

Thanks to my agent, Steve Laube, not just for being a fabulous agent, but also for telling me about the people in Phoenix who trucked in snow for their kids’ birthday party. He told me about giant roof rats as well. Too bad I don’t write horror.

A big thanks to Morgan Busse for having the creative foresight to bring a child into this world who would nearly nuke a kitten, thereby providing me with yet another entertaining disaster for my book.

And thanks to my own daughter whose talk-the-babysitter-into-letting-us-play-with-lit-candles scheme nearly drove me over the edge… And the crawling out on the porch roof… And the Queen of the World remark… And…well, I’d better not share any more of her secrets, I guess. Since I was able to use it all in my book, everything is forgiven.

Much appreciation and love to Camy, Randy, Steve, Gina, Chip, Tosca, Jim, Brandilyn and all the many others of my late-night writers conference buddies. The retreat in this book was written with you guys in mind—for your friendship, laughter, support, and for all the sleep hours we’ve given up in order to hang out together.

Finally, a special thank-you to my editor, Melissa Endlich, for being such a great supporter of my writing and letting me do a third SAHM book. I appreciate your insight, enthusiasm and how much fun we’ve had working together. The campfire scene at the end of the book—that’s for you. Thanks, Melissa!

Contents

Begin Reading

Letter to Reader

Questions for Discussion

Beloved Moms,

I am SO pleased to have the honor of welcoming back our dear Rosalyn Ebberly to our SAHM I Am loop. As many of you know, Rosalyn made the wise decision about a year ago to take some time away from our loop family so that she could focus on some intensive therapy and counseling with her own family. Praise God, He blessed them with much healing. Today, they are stronger and healthier than ever. And Rosalyn feels at peace with returning to the loop.

She will return to her moderator duties immediately, and none too soon. The other half of my news isn’t nearly as wonderful. My mom, who is in her seventies and lives all by herself in Santa Fe, is going in for double hip replacement surgery next week. We’ve been discussing it for several months, and it only made sense that she come live with us for the surgery and through the rehabilitation period. This is going to be a HUGE upheaval in my family’s routine, since James (who’s thirteen now!) is going to have to either move in with little brothers John and Josiah or let them move in with him. Rachel and Rebecca were already sharing, and we didn’t have a guest room.

And Mom is going to need so much help with everything for a long time. So just as Rosalyn is returning, I’m afraid I’m going to have to say goodbye for a while. I’ll miss you all terribly, but I know I’m leaving the loop in the best hands possible. Rosalyn will take care of everything. Please give her the same cooperation and respect you’ve always given me. If you want to e-mail me privately, you can. May Jesus bless all of you.

With all the mother-love in my heart,

Your loop mom,

Connie Lawson

SAHM I Am Loop Mom

Sweetest Sisters,

It is SUCH a joy to be back among you! I feel like I’ve been sojourning in a strange land and have finally returned home. It’s been a bit more than a year since I took my sabbatical, and yet you girls have made me feel like I never left.

This past seventeen months has been a time of growth and healing for me and my family. I’m looking forward to sharing what I’ve learned with all of you. I think the best way to do that will be through my resumed duty of moderating the Topic of the Week. My sister, Veronica, has, from what I’ve heard, been doing a great job in my absence, but when she heard how eager I was to take my old place again as TOTW facilitator, she graciously agreed to step aside.

Most of you know I’ve been involved in intensive therapy and counseling along with my family. One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I must be COMPLETELY HONEST with those around me. So this is our TOTW— Total Honesty.

It’s difficult to be honest and vulnerable with other people, even the ones we love. But I’ve learned that this is the ONLY way to truly break the cycle of dysfunction and strife.

So let’s practice this week, shall we? I’d like each of you to share with us one deeply personal thing that you’ve never shared before. As we bare our hearts to each other, grace and friendship will be released, and we’ll be closer than ever. With that in mind, here is my confession. I give it to you with trembling fingers and a full heart:

I HATE to cook. In fact, sometimes when it’s been a really bad day, I call my husband and ask him to stop at McDonald’s on the way home from work. I can down a Big Mac in under two minutes, and we have a bin of Happy Meal toys that we stash in the basement when company comes over.

Whew! It’s great to have that out in the open at last! See, honesty isn’t so hard. What about you? Get that secret off your chest. And remember, this is for posterity, so…be honest.

Peace to you all,

Rosalyn Ebberly

SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

THAT’S her big confession? After all the pomposity, after all the “I’m so much better than you, you poor things, why can’t you be more like me…ah, but you can’t and never will, you LOSERS”…after waging a war on Christmas because retailers weren’t saying the greeting SHE thought was most correct…after being so paranoid about her husband that she hired a detective to spy on him…after her kids were freaking out and drawing pictures of themselves in COFFINS…

She expects us to be impressed that she’s confessed to a lack of interest in the culinary arts???

Air. I need air. I’m hyperventilating. Her first day back, and I’m already developing a nervous tic. At this rate, we’ll ALL need intensive therapy.

Z

How do you really feel, Ham? Honestly. Share it on the loop, dear one. You know it’s for posterity. The emotional health of your children hangs in the balance.

Dulcie

Don’t tempt me.

Z

Poor Zelia, it sounds as if you may have some unforgiveness toward her. Are you certain you don’t need to confess it on the loop? It will do you much good.

Teasing,

Phyllis

Phyllis, darling, don’t you have a graduate class to study for? Something along the lines of “Dripping Faucets: A Survey of the Most Irritating Women of Western Civilization”? You could write a paper on our loop moderator.

Besides, the TOTW was about honesty, not forgiveness. I’ve never struggled with being honest.

Z

Betcha five bucks that forgiveness is next week’s topic.

Dulcie

Dulcie,

I’ll see your five and raise you one.

Phyllis

Aaaarrrgghhh!!! You’re a PASTOR’S WIFE! You don’t make bets! And besides, you did it wrong. If you think Dulcie’s bet is right, why would you raise it? Oh, never mind… I have to go pick up my children from school. Why they have to schedule school all the way into June boggles the mind.

Z

Oops. Do you think I made her angry? I was only trying to joke around with her. All of you know I think betting is stupid. I was truly just kidding.

Phyllis

LOL! I think you’re okay, Phyllis. You know she’s been really touchy about Rosalyn ever since The-Incident-That-Must-Not-Be-Mentioned last year. But Z’s been a bit stressed out lately. No wonder—things haven’t been going too well with Lishan and Duri. I think she’s really worried about them. It’s been eighteen months since they brought those two home from Ethiopia, and they’re still having a lot of language problems. She told me Duri has been wetting the bed almost every night, and Lishan has terrible nightmares. I feel bad for her—wish there was something I could do to help.

Dulcie

Hi! I’m new—so I guess anything I share will fit the topic of the week because I’ve never told it to any of you! LOL!

I’m Hannah, and I’m nineteen years old. I have a two-month-old baby named Boaz, and in two weeks I will celebrate my FIRST year of being married to my totally awesome husband, Bradley. We live in South Carolina, and I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with lots of kids. My best friend, Krissy, went off to college in Florida to be a marine biologist. I guess I’m majoring in the Domestic Arts here at home. I joined up with this group because our moms’ group at church doesn’t meet during the summer, and Krissy decided to spend the whole summer in Hawaii. I’m hoping to make lots of good friends here!

And Rosalyn, I’m like totally impressed that u can talk so easily about being in family counseling! I read through the archives and found out what happened to u—thinking your husband was having an affair and then the woman turned out to be a Lesbian! And all the problems with your kids! That’s so humiliating! You’re really brave to come back to a big loop like this where everyone knows all that bad stuff about you.

I’m just trying to say don’t feel bad about not liking to cook. Compared to all that other stuff, it’s no big deal. But if you want, I’ll be glad to share some recipes with you that I like. I’ve been getting more into organic cooking, so anytime you want some help, just let me know. Okay?

Oh, I’m so happy to be here. You’re all going to be my best friends forever (BFF). I can just FEEL it!

In the love of Jesus,

Hannah Farrell

Is it my imagination, or did that new chick just like totally dog Rosalyn?

Brenna

Like, she so totally did, Brenna! I like, LIKE her, you know?

Like, how cool is that? She’s so like going to be my new

BFF!

Like totally Dulcie

Come on, guys! She’s only nineteen. Yikes! That’s only seven years older than Tyler! Anyway, I think she was rude. Rosalyn’s been through a lot. We shouldn’t mock her.

Jocelyn

Jocelyn wrote:

< Rosalyn’s been through a lot. We shouldn’t mock her.>

WHAT? Are my eyes seeing correctly? Jocelyn, babe, come back from the Dark Side. Did she slip you some Kool-Aid while we weren’t looking? Did you DRINK IT?

Z

Of course not, I’m not stupid!

But I do feel a bit sorry for Ros. She’s had a hard time of it the last couple of years. We should be kind. However, that new…child does look like she might provide some entertainment. Nineteen! My goodness. And since when is “lesbian” a proper noun? And is there a problem with her fingers that she is unable to type out the word “you”?

Jocelyn

Jocelyn wrote:

< And since when is “lesbian” a proper noun? And is there a problem with her fingers that she is unable to type out the word “you”?>

Ahhh, Jocelyn, now u r speaking my language!

Phyllis

Phyllis wrote:

< Ahhh, Jocelyn, now u r speaking my language! >

Hey, great joke, Phyllis! Your sense of humor is really improving!

Brenna

Thank you! It was the elective graduate course in Joking 101 that did the trick.

Phyllis

Oh, man. I’m in awe.

Like totally.

Brenna

Hey Rossie-girl,

Saw that post on the loop from that new chica. She made you look about as sharp as a…oops, never mind. Was going to lapse into a Texasism, and I promised you not to. But sheesh, sis— Houston is really growing on me for real! I’ve perfected the “y’all” and “wajeet” (what did you eat). Not such an act for me anymore.

Anyhow, I’m sorry about what Hannah said. She was rude. You going to talk to her about it? I’ve half a mind to let her know what we Texans do to little chits who diss on our family members.

You hang tough now, you hear?

Veronica

Dearest sister,

You can relax— I’m perfectly fine. Hannah obviously has a lot of repressed anxiety and an emotional hunger for acceptance and a sense of superiority. These things are inflicted on the juvenile psyche and manifest themselves in a variety of ways, include an inability to gauge appropriate social behavior. I wonder how her relationship with her father is? Regardless, I’m not planning to speak to her about it at all. It’s not my problem.

Anyway, rest assured I am not allowing her emotional unrest and woundedness to disturb my personal sense of peace and well-being. I just picture Jesus as my bubble of light, surrounding me as I float down the sewers of life. No matter how murky the waters, they don’t need to contaminate my inner wholeness. Oh, Ronnie, I can’t tell you how freeing it is! This sort of thing would have made me so angry a year and a half ago, but now…it just rolls right off.

Though I would like to know what you were going to say… Sharp as a what? You have my permission, dear girl, to “speak Texan.” I don’t even care if it’s put on or genuine. Those sort of petty issues no longer have the power to upset my spiritual centeredness.

With love,

Rosalyn

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

Was going to say, “She made you look about as sharp as a mashed potato.”

Therapy or not, you are still one bizarre chick, sis. Shrink turned you into a Buddhaesque freak. Either that, or you’re on some pretty strong drugs.

Veronica

LOL! Neither. I’m high on the peace of Jesus and emotional wholeness.

Rosalyn

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

I think Buddha-enhanced drugs would be less scary than your evangelical-induced Nirvana. But you know I love ya anyway.

Veronica

Hey, hotstuff, what are you doing?

Working, of course. Nobody warned me that interior design would entail marital counseling. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow with the Kerricks, who are fighting over the design of their master suite. She said she wanted “red walls and gold satin curtains” and his response was “Great, we’ll be sleeping in a bordello.”

She said, “And how would you know about that?”

“Well, how else is a guy going to get some action, huh?”

And then they were off. I know FAR too much about the Kerricks now. Blech!

So my job tomorrow is to calm them both down before they decide to get a divorce and leave me with an outstanding bill. This is NOT what they trained us for in school!

What are you doing? Where are the kids?

Love ya!

Dulcie

I’m e-mailing you. The kids are…let’s see… MacKenzie is doing a hair-singeing experiment with the lighter, and I gave the twins permission to take their dolls to the roof and play up there for a while.

Your humor is sad, as in S-A-H-D, stay-at-home DAD SAD. You obviously are bored and don’t have enough to keep you busy. You could bring me a snack or something.

A snack? Do I look like a live-in maid? Sheesh. I cook for you, I clean for you, I care for the kids—and this is the thanks I get? Bring me a snack? I’m insulted.

You might as well—you’ve still got a dish towel over your shoulder. You look like housekeeper material to me. Just missing the apron.

Shoot! I forgot again. I hate that— I put it there when I load the dishwasher, and then it’s there the rest of the day. But an apron? Not even on my dead body, got it? A SAHD has to have SOME boundaries.

And why are you e-mailing me when I’m sitting not four feet away from you?

Me? You started it!